answers

Sometimes..........when you stop and look...listen....every question you have, every problem that comes your way......everything is answered. When you stop....and the world slows down, you reach a moment of clarity.....and things finally make sense. That answer could make you sad, happy, concerned, disturbed, enlightened, determined, ect. But whatever it may be....it's an answer. So....really....the only thing in life is as follows.....do we accept it as the answer and do accordingly OR do we run from it in denial?

The one thing I can say is.....things can get much worse if you run. But accepting it is never easy either. Life.

My response to you.

I never wanted to change who you were.....who you are. It's why I liked you. I saw flashes of what you might become and I liked it even more. You say I agree with everything you say yet you don't take the time to realize that we just might have the same views. In fact.....you don't take the time to realize that you think like me. Yes, you think like me, not the other way around.

You complain about me asking the same thing (not every day mind you), but it's because when I ask something different, you just say no.

You judge me with out know who I am. You don't think I love being alone too? I spend majority of my time alone. I love my solitude. So what does it say when I desire you in MY solitude? You think I like going out? I'd rather stay at home and watch movies....and I would like it even more if you were there. You and I....alone...with some quality entertainment. My perfect night. I wanted to be that person that you could just sit on a couch with and laugh together. The man you can rest your head on...rubs your hair, and during that moment you know everything in life is gonna be ok. The guy you can go on trips and cruises with. Go to museums, movies, poetry readings, concerts, games and what not with.

Wanna know why I liked spending time with you? Because you are the ONLY person I know that shares majority of my views. Maybe it just validates my thoughts and believes, but I never knew anyone that thought like that but.....well me. The only thing we never discussed was politics, and that's because I don't think you'd find it as interesting as I do. I don't agree with you for the sake of agreeing with you, I agree because I actually agree. How bout saying something I disagree with? Since you think you know me so well.....that should be easy right?

You harp on things from the past, even tho you don't know fully what you say. You only know what I told you....which isn't a lot even tho it seems it might have. Every story I told you, is only what I cared to tell at the time. So, when you wanna bring up my ex, how bout you keep that to yourself because you don't know the whole story. And just so you know.....me and my ex....still very good friends. So, like I said, you don't know the whole story.

I never wanted to change you at all. I said it before, I like you for you. Any change you thought I forced upon you.....you did to yourself. You were the one the had epiphanies when we talked. You were the one that said you wanted to do things "the right way". You were the one that said "this wasn't the life for you". Not me. Was it all a lie? Is that just how you were feeling at the time, and you were just expressing that? Only you know that.

Sorry I don't smoke weed. I'm not against it, I just can't. It's not worth losing my job. But I'm not against people that do. Sorry I don't drive recklessly when you're in the car, I care about your safety. Sorry I don't pop off at the mouth, put you in your place, act aggressive or whatever. That's disrespectful to you, and I treat people with respect, especially you. Sorry for treating you nicely....with kindness and love....it's how I was raised to treat a woman. Sorry I said "what ever you need, if I got you have it". It's what I was taught you do when you care for somebody.

But you know what, we both have a lot of problems. We both have a lot to learn. I think the only difference........is I'm willing to learn....even though a lot of it means changing things about myself. But you're so stuck on you that I don't think you see it. The world isn't going to change around you. You have to compromise within yourself to fit the world......without losing your identity. Can you do that? I don't think you can, but I would love for you to prove me wrong. I would prefer you did.

I got upset with you......because you say "I appreciate it".....but you don't show any appreciation. Makes sense? I didn't do the things I've done for you because I thought I would get something out of it. So, when you keep saying that, you're wrong. I did it, because at the time....I felt it was the right thing to do. Nothing more, nothing less. But not to long ago....you began treating me pretty foul, and that also is what made me upset. You constantly insulted the only 2 things that I hold to great standard. My character and integrity. And that made me upset.

So, is this why you told me you felt guilty? You yourself said "I feel guilty, because you continue to do for me, yet I feel like I'm not benefiting you" (not word from word of course). Was it because you weren't benefiting me...or because you didn't want to? Again....only you know.

Wanna know more who I am? I'm love my solitude. I'm insubordinate. I'm arrogant. I'm silly. I'm selfless. I believe in the greater good. I'm an elitist. I'm prideful. I believe I'm much smarter the majority of people I know. In fact, I hide my intelligence from people. I'm cerebral. I hate asking for help. I can't stay angry through an entire argument. I'm an over thinker. I personally......think I should be a stand up comedian lol. I think out generation is lazy. I think we are....to self reliant on technology (including myself). I find happiness in simple things. But I also know, there are times when I have to put my pride to the side. Because sometimes.....I don't have the answers...I can't do it alone...I need the help.

Anyways.....I'm tired of typing and I'm tired of hiding behind a screen. So I'm gonna end it here. I'd much rather have this conversation in person.

Just thought I'd write a response since you took the time to write all that. It's only right. And yes, I did read it.

And I know you don't think I like solitude, but I only like the company of a very short list of people. And just so you know, you were #1 on that list.

Keep...on...fighting.

I wanna make you proud....but how can I when I can't help but to be disappointed in myself. I should have and could have been something greater. No, that I won't be eventually, but I should be. I can't help but feel like things are passing me by and getting out of control... comprehensibly fast. I try....but then it isn't enough....and when it's enough it's to much. Maybe I'm just burnt out and need some R&R. I mean, life is spectacular and I'm blessed to have one....but I feel like I've stopped myself for having a better one. I wish I knew. This has been a trying chapter in my life.....and I've grown from it. I just hope, once I turn the page, I can look back and say it was all worth it. I'm tired of the shoulda, woulda, coulda.....I just wanna say "NAILED IT!!!" and make you smile up above. I miss you grandpa....and one day...I'm gonna make you proud.

I wanted to die

This time last year, I thought I was the happiest man on earth. This time two years ago, I never felt so angry with life. I still had hope, but my heart was dark and my spirits were crushing. I knew things would get better. This time three years ago......I wanted to die. I have come a very long way in life, but it wasn't without tribulations. A wise woman once told me "When you have problems and life seems hard, you cry yourself a river, build a bridge and get over it". Sometimes it's hard to do.....but it's made me the strongest person I could ever be. Life always seems to haunt you.....complicating things. Once you call it haunting....you know it's time to remove it from your life....because it can't be present for your life to be magnificent. I have always been blessed with somebody to support me in my hard times. Keep me even-keel. Remind me that I have something to live for. Three years ago....if I would've killed myself, I would not have experienced some of the happiest moments of my life. I had to purge those things from my life......because it constantly haunted me. Every place I looked it was a reminder. But when I removed those things.....life was great. Light always comes after dark. Things always get better when if you don't give up.

my emotions

My love....is long suffering. You need to know, what ever the problem, what ever the tribulation, what ever it is......I will always be here. WE can get through it TOGETHER, no matter what it may be. In life.....we struggle. Things from our past always come to haunt us eventually, it's a given. The only way to get through it is to face it head on and resolve it. That could mean ending something...or accepting something. Regardless of what it is, I'll be there. Elyse, you mean the world to me....you always have and you always will. I want it be your rock. I want to be strong for you when can only be weak. I want to be that shoulder when you need to cry. I want to be that ear when you need to vent. I want to treat you like the Queen.....no....the Goddess you deserve to be treated as. I take you for the way you are now, and for what you will become, even though we can't say what that will be. It's hard to be the woman you know you can be? I think that woman is much closer than you believe. I think...with me, the woman you want to be will come into existence. I believe it, because I see her in your eyes....hear her in your voice....feel her in your touch. You are it. I take you for the way you are now....because I wouldn't deserve the woman you WILL become if I threw you to the side. I mean, you are an amazing woman NOW. I want to make you forget life is hard. I want to moments you're with me to make you care-free and happy. I want you to know that, while you're with me, there's nothing you have to worry about, because I would sooner give my life then to let anything negative happen to you. That's REAL. Elyse.....I'm ride or die. Let me accept you now, for who and what you are, so we can grow together. We can grow together and learn to properly love each other. I've been crazy about you for years............I just want the chance to make you happy.

How I feel

I use to like you, but now...........I love you, unconditionally.......even tho the feeling may not be mutual. I do for you.....out of the love I have for you......even though I don't expect it in return. I'd give my life to save yours....even though that sounds a bit extreme. Whatever you say, whatever you do, whomever you were, are and will become....my feelings for you will never change. It's unconditional love.

I've seen a side of you....that you refuse to show anyone else. I've seen a part of you.....that even you deny. You're a strong, intelligent, powerful, headstrong woman with class and talent to last a life time. You have a growing mind that can conquer worlds. A voice that could warm the coldest tundra. Wit that could cut through the Rocky Mountains. Class that could make The Obama's look like rednecks. You have no fear to question both know and unknown. You challenge my mind and force me to think, even though many times we have the same opinions.

I encourage you, not to be a yes man, but because I believe you can do it. I say what you do is good, because I believe that it is. When you do something and I say I like it, it's because I do.

My pet peeve is people questioning my integrity and character.....yet you aren't afraid to. Pisses me off......yet I respect the fact that you have the balls to do it. You have this love for your family....where even tho you can't stand em sometimes.....that's your family, and you'd do for them like no other. I LOVE that. Most importantly.....you're the only woman that I can finally be ME around. I don't have to .....hide who I am, censor my words and thoughts....cage my own consciousness. I've been held captive my whole life. You free me......and that is priceless.

I once thought I knew what I wanted in a woman.....but I convinced myself it was not you. But they more I learned about you, that more I seen who YOU are, and not who you try to be, or convince others you are....the more I've grown to love you. And now....it's unconditional.

I value my integrity and my character....so rest assure, these words are true. And please believe, my words are literal although not so elegant. So, just know, what I'm saying is exactly what I mean.

Elyse Bryant, if you read this before I say this to you....this is how I feel. I understand this might changes things a bit.....or maybe it wont....it's up to you. But I refuse to sit my whole life and wonder "what if".

What should I do?

Sometimes....I struggle with the "how do you show emotion and still be a man". I'm by no means an emotional person, but I do have them (even tho most people think I don't lol). I never believed in bottling them up, but I always have ways to....vent without to many people knowing. Sometimes, you don't even want the person it's about to know.

It's not a lack of courage. Not at all. I have enough to share. But it's the uncertainty that stops me.

I want to tell her 'I love you' with all my heart........but the uncertainty of it being reciprocated scares me. I don't want to say it to be greeted with a "...O....K", "I know" or even silence.

Every time I see her smile, hear her laugh, see her with the fire to DO in her eyes, it's like watching the sunrise for the first time. No, it's more like being blind for ten years, and when your vision comes back, the first thing you see is the sunrise and a beautiful morning. Where birds are chirping and there's fresh dew on the grass.

She inspires me to continue in my mission of being a great man. She inspired me to finish school. She inspires me to use my multitude of talents, because some people just don't have it. Seeing her inspired.... inspires me. Her drive....inspires me.

The way you carry yourself, like a strong, independent, intelligent woman, attracts me. The way you hold strong to your words catches my mind. Your sense of humor makes my sides split. Your thirst for knowledge inspires me to increase mines. You courage to question everything makes me want to learn EVERYTHING!

What should I do? I ask you out and I get a neither a yes or no. As a close friend, I accept it....but on the other side, as a man that feels about you the way I do, it slowly rips me to shreds on the inside. For three years, all I wanted was you. I dated somebody I planned to marry.....yet I still longed for you. You could never escape my mind...even during the time you weren't in my life.

Tell me....what else can I do? I'm not the most attractive guy alive, I'm not the richest, don't drive the nicest car, still live at home with my parents, don't have my degree yet, have a weird work schedule, not the smoothest cat around, not the smartest, I'm no the funniest guy around. I don't always have the best words to say. I'm not the roughest guy, not the most aggressive, by no means. But y'know what....I'm not even close to being the worse.

But y'know what....I would love you like no other. I would lift you up on high. I would treat you like a queen.....more so then I already do. I wanna make every female, from single to married, jealous of you because they could only DREAM of having a man that treats them the way I want to treat you. All I want to do.....is make you smile. I want to keep a smile on your face....and not like The Joker lol. I mean true happiness, the one woman want but never find.

All I want is a chance....an opportunity.......a yes.