Freedom through neutrality

I'm frightened sometimes, by the things that go through my head and on my heart. People say be true to yourself, yet sometimes, I feel like I don't know my true self. Sometimes I feel like a shell of what everyone wants me to be. Other times, I feel like the embodiment of what I want myself to be. I'm starting to understand that there's both a light and dark side to everything in life. There's a balance that's needed in life. Not just within the world, but also within each individual. I think most people tend to favor one side over the other, depending on the person. I think we all, especially myself, need to embrace both sides to become whole. None of us are Jesus Christ, son of God. None of us are perfect, pure or 100% good. None of us are Satan, walking around pouring pain and chaos on the world. We are all shades of gray. There is true freedom through our neutrality.

We are perfect through our imperfections. I come to feel....being perfect is bad (and impossible). I know, I know, that sounds ridiculous. But think of it like this, if you're "perfect" that means, you have no room for improvement. When there's no room for improvement, there's only one way to go, down. It's exactly like saying, you will never be better then you are at this very moment. Imperfection is interesting. It's what gives us individuality. It makes us different. Not only that, but it's impossible to achieve. Perfection is in the eye of the beholder. Think about it. To ME, something, someone, some place, may be perfect....to ME. To somebody else, it may not be. There are approximately 6 billion people on earth...and for something to be perfect, all of those people need to come to a consensus. I'll even give it a 90% majority. But people have different views, perspectives, believes, ect, which makes a consensus impossible. Imperfection gives us purpose. A reason to live. Something to fight for. We need to embrace that fact that we'll never be perfect. It gives me happiness. I don't even WANT to be perfect.

So....I learned today that one of my friends died yesterday. Not just a friend, but a brother. Even tho we haven't talked much over the past few years, hearing that news wasn't any easier. I don't feel.....guilty, because there was nothing I could've done. But I do feel bad that I wasn't there for my friend in his final years. I wish I could have at least made those years more .....enjoyable. I just feel a great deal of sorrow. Honestly, I don't know what I feel.....I just know that it's not great. Tomorrow is never promised, so we have to love today. Love family, love friends, love life. Life is to short and precious for hate.

lesson we all forget

When life gives you problems....you don't sit around and complain. You don't bathe in your own self pity. You don't let yourself get down. You pull up your big boy pants and find a way to fix it. Or, you accept it and find a way to live with it. Deal with adversity.

When did it become popular?

When did being razor thin, paper thing, bone skinny...whatever you wanna call it, become so popular????? I mean, have people SEEN pictures of Marilyn Monroe??? Her body is fantastic!! Women like Vivica A. Fox, Lisa Raye, Alicia Keys, Scarlett Johansson(before she lost weight). I'm talking about those women with curves. It's beautiful! But somewhere in history, this sickly looking skinny is the new "sexy". It's disgusting! I mean, don't get it twisted, all women are beautiful. But MAN.....women with nice curves are down right sexy!

Snaps!

I'd like to point out to the world, to all you people striving to be "different", that all of you merely just caught up to me. Seriously. I was apparently a trend setter, or at least jump on before ANY OF YOU thought those things to be cool.

A Black man playing the guitar
I started playing guitar in 2003, while I was in highschool, on my free time. Self taught. In fact, I remember the last day of my 11th grade year, me and my friends brought our guitars and jammed with our English teacher. Fun times.

But, what did you all do?? Called me white washed. Called me an oreo. Said "only white boys played guitar". But I listened to rock n' roll music, and this made me listen to it more and more. All of a sudden, I walk around after having a few years under my belt and EVERY black dude wants to play guitar. All the people who called me "white-washed" wants to play guitar. All my friends the rapped wanted me to play guitar for them on tracks (although NOW, I regret not doing it....rap/rock still has potential). Needless to say......I was first. And I still play, although not as much.

Stunner Shades
Wanna know how much I set this trend?? My nickname was Hollywood. Nobody ever saw me without sunglasses. Had a different pair for each occasion lol. My everydays(2 pairs), my church/night times and my aviators. I even had a prescription pair (I use to wear glasses). People use to think I was weird for always buying sunglasses. It was my thing. SO, from the age of .....14 people poked fun at me because nobody wore shades the way I did. Now....EVERYBODY wants a pair of "stunner shades". Everyone wants a pair of shades. Get on my level tho, I only mess with name brands. No more of the $10 stuff (although, you find a good one now and again). Get on my level.

Being a nerd
I was a HUGE nerd as a kid. I still am lol. I LOVE sci-fi stuff. Star Wars, Star Trek, anything dealing with the future, space....that was my stuff. I also enjoyed math(yet now I hate it lol), I LOVE science and technology. I use to love anime a great deal(I grew out of it tho, but some are still AMAZING). I LOVE comic book characters and their cartoons. Heck, I love cartoons period. I'll admit, I even played World of Warcraft for a period of time. I loved video games and spent most of my childhood playing them. And now.....I want to make them. I was a nerd before that stuff was cool. But NOW, it's cool to be a "nerd" lol. I don't think it's the whole "nerd" thing as it is dressing like one.

Being Anti-government
I never fell behind the whole.... patriotism thing. Woke up late and missed the plane. Even tho I was only 14, a part of me felt like Gore should have won and Bush cheated. Then.....stuff happened. But I still couldn't fall in line. Others saw it as being un-patriotic. I saw it as keeping it real. I wasn't going to let an event, albeit catastrophic, change the way I thought and felt. I still don't. I believed all the conspiracy....because it made more sense than the lies they told. I never though the government, especially Republicans, had the best interest of the people. Now that I'm a tax paying citizen, I believe that even more. I'm not much of a.....protester, but I do voice my opinions about it when asked. I do try to stay informed politically as much as I can. I work for the government now and I still don't fully trust it lol. Just sayin. I'm 25....so I've felt this way for about 11 going on 12 years.

Music these days being absolute garbage? I thought that since high school.

Being able to make music at home and distributing via social networks being a cancer to the music industry? And all other opinions on it. Most of the music being mediocre at best. You have those.....GREAT people, and all the mediocre people. Yet the ones in the middle get lost in the noise. To good to be mediocre, the bad to be great. I have friend I put in that category.
Thought that since I was 22.....because I lived it.

Ya'll just don't understand.......I'm not like any of you......you all are like me.

KNOW I see

I finally understand what they mean by "A good game isn't a game, it's an experience". I just played the finest game I've EVER played in my life! Mass Effect 2 (you should pick it up).

I don't talk much of games, but it has a FANTASTIC story, great characters, REAL decisions that are meaningful. You call the shots, you make decisions, you form the story, you make the game. Not to mention....that writing and art work is spectacular.

I say all that to say.....more games should be this way. Not just games, movies, tv....everything. The story for this game is the best story I've seen in a game in 13 years. Not only that, it made you CARE. It gave me that feeling we all use to get as children, when you see a kung-fu movie and you feel like you can fight. When you thought you could dodge bullets after you saw 'The Matrix', when you saw an emotional movie and it made you re-evaluate yourself.

And how did this make me feel?

My name is Sean Shepard....and I just saved the Galaxy.

Competition

The biggest motivation in life......is knowing that there's somebody better than you....to give you something to fight for. Competition is the passion that fuels the inferno.

answers

Sometimes..........when you stop and look...listen....every question you have, every problem that comes your way......everything is answered. When you stop....and the world slows down, you reach a moment of clarity.....and things finally make sense. That answer could make you sad, happy, concerned, disturbed, enlightened, determined, ect. But whatever it may be....it's an answer. So....really....the only thing in life is as follows.....do we accept it as the answer and do accordingly OR do we run from it in denial?

The one thing I can say is.....things can get much worse if you run. But accepting it is never easy either. Life.

My response to you.

I never wanted to change who you were.....who you are. It's why I liked you. I saw flashes of what you might become and I liked it even more. You say I agree with everything you say yet you don't take the time to realize that we just might have the same views. In fact.....you don't take the time to realize that you think like me. Yes, you think like me, not the other way around.

You complain about me asking the same thing (not every day mind you), but it's because when I ask something different, you just say no.

You judge me with out know who I am. You don't think I love being alone too? I spend majority of my time alone. I love my solitude. So what does it say when I desire you in MY solitude? You think I like going out? I'd rather stay at home and watch movies....and I would like it even more if you were there. You and I....alone...with some quality entertainment. My perfect night. I wanted to be that person that you could just sit on a couch with and laugh together. The man you can rest your head on...rubs your hair, and during that moment you know everything in life is gonna be ok. The guy you can go on trips and cruises with. Go to museums, movies, poetry readings, concerts, games and what not with.

Wanna know why I liked spending time with you? Because you are the ONLY person I know that shares majority of my views. Maybe it just validates my thoughts and believes, but I never knew anyone that thought like that but.....well me. The only thing we never discussed was politics, and that's because I don't think you'd find it as interesting as I do. I don't agree with you for the sake of agreeing with you, I agree because I actually agree. How bout saying something I disagree with? Since you think you know me so well.....that should be easy right?

You harp on things from the past, even tho you don't know fully what you say. You only know what I told you....which isn't a lot even tho it seems it might have. Every story I told you, is only what I cared to tell at the time. So, when you wanna bring up my ex, how bout you keep that to yourself because you don't know the whole story. And just so you know.....me and my ex....still very good friends. So, like I said, you don't know the whole story.

I never wanted to change you at all. I said it before, I like you for you. Any change you thought I forced upon you.....you did to yourself. You were the one the had epiphanies when we talked. You were the one that said you wanted to do things "the right way". You were the one that said "this wasn't the life for you". Not me. Was it all a lie? Is that just how you were feeling at the time, and you were just expressing that? Only you know that.

Sorry I don't smoke weed. I'm not against it, I just can't. It's not worth losing my job. But I'm not against people that do. Sorry I don't drive recklessly when you're in the car, I care about your safety. Sorry I don't pop off at the mouth, put you in your place, act aggressive or whatever. That's disrespectful to you, and I treat people with respect, especially you. Sorry for treating you nicely....with kindness and love....it's how I was raised to treat a woman. Sorry I said "what ever you need, if I got you have it". It's what I was taught you do when you care for somebody.

But you know what, we both have a lot of problems. We both have a lot to learn. I think the only difference........is I'm willing to learn....even though a lot of it means changing things about myself. But you're so stuck on you that I don't think you see it. The world isn't going to change around you. You have to compromise within yourself to fit the world......without losing your identity. Can you do that? I don't think you can, but I would love for you to prove me wrong. I would prefer you did.

I got upset with you......because you say "I appreciate it".....but you don't show any appreciation. Makes sense? I didn't do the things I've done for you because I thought I would get something out of it. So, when you keep saying that, you're wrong. I did it, because at the time....I felt it was the right thing to do. Nothing more, nothing less. But not to long ago....you began treating me pretty foul, and that also is what made me upset. You constantly insulted the only 2 things that I hold to great standard. My character and integrity. And that made me upset.

So, is this why you told me you felt guilty? You yourself said "I feel guilty, because you continue to do for me, yet I feel like I'm not benefiting you" (not word from word of course). Was it because you weren't benefiting me...or because you didn't want to? Again....only you know.

Wanna know more who I am? I'm love my solitude. I'm insubordinate. I'm arrogant. I'm silly. I'm selfless. I believe in the greater good. I'm an elitist. I'm prideful. I believe I'm much smarter the majority of people I know. In fact, I hide my intelligence from people. I'm cerebral. I hate asking for help. I can't stay angry through an entire argument. I'm an over thinker. I personally......think I should be a stand up comedian lol. I think out generation is lazy. I think we are....to self reliant on technology (including myself). I find happiness in simple things. But I also know, there are times when I have to put my pride to the side. Because sometimes.....I don't have the answers...I can't do it alone...I need the help.

Anyways.....I'm tired of typing and I'm tired of hiding behind a screen. So I'm gonna end it here. I'd much rather have this conversation in person.

Just thought I'd write a response since you took the time to write all that. It's only right. And yes, I did read it.

And I know you don't think I like solitude, but I only like the company of a very short list of people. And just so you know, you were #1 on that list.

Keep...on...fighting.

I wanna make you proud....but how can I when I can't help but to be disappointed in myself. I should have and could have been something greater. No, that I won't be eventually, but I should be. I can't help but feel like things are passing me by and getting out of control... comprehensibly fast. I try....but then it isn't enough....and when it's enough it's to much. Maybe I'm just burnt out and need some R&R. I mean, life is spectacular and I'm blessed to have one....but I feel like I've stopped myself for having a better one. I wish I knew. This has been a trying chapter in my life.....and I've grown from it. I just hope, once I turn the page, I can look back and say it was all worth it. I'm tired of the shoulda, woulda, coulda.....I just wanna say "NAILED IT!!!" and make you smile up above. I miss you grandpa....and one day...I'm gonna make you proud.

I wanted to die

This time last year, I thought I was the happiest man on earth. This time two years ago, I never felt so angry with life. I still had hope, but my heart was dark and my spirits were crushing. I knew things would get better. This time three years ago......I wanted to die. I have come a very long way in life, but it wasn't without tribulations. A wise woman once told me "When you have problems and life seems hard, you cry yourself a river, build a bridge and get over it". Sometimes it's hard to do.....but it's made me the strongest person I could ever be. Life always seems to haunt you.....complicating things. Once you call it haunting....you know it's time to remove it from your life....because it can't be present for your life to be magnificent. I have always been blessed with somebody to support me in my hard times. Keep me even-keel. Remind me that I have something to live for. Three years ago....if I would've killed myself, I would not have experienced some of the happiest moments of my life. I had to purge those things from my life......because it constantly haunted me. Every place I looked it was a reminder. But when I removed those things.....life was great. Light always comes after dark. Things always get better when if you don't give up.

my emotions

My love....is long suffering. You need to know, what ever the problem, what ever the tribulation, what ever it is......I will always be here. WE can get through it TOGETHER, no matter what it may be. In life.....we struggle. Things from our past always come to haunt us eventually, it's a given. The only way to get through it is to face it head on and resolve it. That could mean ending something...or accepting something. Regardless of what it is, I'll be there. Elyse, you mean the world to me....you always have and you always will. I want it be your rock. I want to be strong for you when can only be weak. I want to be that shoulder when you need to cry. I want to be that ear when you need to vent. I want to treat you like the Queen.....no....the Goddess you deserve to be treated as. I take you for the way you are now, and for what you will become, even though we can't say what that will be. It's hard to be the woman you know you can be? I think that woman is much closer than you believe. I think...with me, the woman you want to be will come into existence. I believe it, because I see her in your eyes....hear her in your voice....feel her in your touch. You are it. I take you for the way you are now....because I wouldn't deserve the woman you WILL become if I threw you to the side. I mean, you are an amazing woman NOW. I want to make you forget life is hard. I want to moments you're with me to make you care-free and happy. I want you to know that, while you're with me, there's nothing you have to worry about, because I would sooner give my life then to let anything negative happen to you. That's REAL. Elyse.....I'm ride or die. Let me accept you now, for who and what you are, so we can grow together. We can grow together and learn to properly love each other. I've been crazy about you for years............I just want the chance to make you happy.

How I feel

I use to like you, but now...........I love you, unconditionally.......even tho the feeling may not be mutual. I do for you.....out of the love I have for you......even though I don't expect it in return. I'd give my life to save yours....even though that sounds a bit extreme. Whatever you say, whatever you do, whomever you were, are and will become....my feelings for you will never change. It's unconditional love.

I've seen a side of you....that you refuse to show anyone else. I've seen a part of you.....that even you deny. You're a strong, intelligent, powerful, headstrong woman with class and talent to last a life time. You have a growing mind that can conquer worlds. A voice that could warm the coldest tundra. Wit that could cut through the Rocky Mountains. Class that could make The Obama's look like rednecks. You have no fear to question both know and unknown. You challenge my mind and force me to think, even though many times we have the same opinions.

I encourage you, not to be a yes man, but because I believe you can do it. I say what you do is good, because I believe that it is. When you do something and I say I like it, it's because I do.

My pet peeve is people questioning my integrity and character.....yet you aren't afraid to. Pisses me off......yet I respect the fact that you have the balls to do it. You have this love for your family....where even tho you can't stand em sometimes.....that's your family, and you'd do for them like no other. I LOVE that. Most importantly.....you're the only woman that I can finally be ME around. I don't have to .....hide who I am, censor my words and thoughts....cage my own consciousness. I've been held captive my whole life. You free me......and that is priceless.

I once thought I knew what I wanted in a woman.....but I convinced myself it was not you. But they more I learned about you, that more I seen who YOU are, and not who you try to be, or convince others you are....the more I've grown to love you. And now....it's unconditional.

I value my integrity and my character....so rest assure, these words are true. And please believe, my words are literal although not so elegant. So, just know, what I'm saying is exactly what I mean.

Elyse Bryant, if you read this before I say this to you....this is how I feel. I understand this might changes things a bit.....or maybe it wont....it's up to you. But I refuse to sit my whole life and wonder "what if".

What should I do?

Sometimes....I struggle with the "how do you show emotion and still be a man". I'm by no means an emotional person, but I do have them (even tho most people think I don't lol). I never believed in bottling them up, but I always have ways to....vent without to many people knowing. Sometimes, you don't even want the person it's about to know.

It's not a lack of courage. Not at all. I have enough to share. But it's the uncertainty that stops me.

I want to tell her 'I love you' with all my heart........but the uncertainty of it being reciprocated scares me. I don't want to say it to be greeted with a "...O....K", "I know" or even silence.

Every time I see her smile, hear her laugh, see her with the fire to DO in her eyes, it's like watching the sunrise for the first time. No, it's more like being blind for ten years, and when your vision comes back, the first thing you see is the sunrise and a beautiful morning. Where birds are chirping and there's fresh dew on the grass.

She inspires me to continue in my mission of being a great man. She inspired me to finish school. She inspires me to use my multitude of talents, because some people just don't have it. Seeing her inspired.... inspires me. Her drive....inspires me.

The way you carry yourself, like a strong, independent, intelligent woman, attracts me. The way you hold strong to your words catches my mind. Your sense of humor makes my sides split. Your thirst for knowledge inspires me to increase mines. You courage to question everything makes me want to learn EVERYTHING!

What should I do? I ask you out and I get a neither a yes or no. As a close friend, I accept it....but on the other side, as a man that feels about you the way I do, it slowly rips me to shreds on the inside. For three years, all I wanted was you. I dated somebody I planned to marry.....yet I still longed for you. You could never escape my mind...even during the time you weren't in my life.

Tell me....what else can I do? I'm not the most attractive guy alive, I'm not the richest, don't drive the nicest car, still live at home with my parents, don't have my degree yet, have a weird work schedule, not the smoothest cat around, not the smartest, I'm no the funniest guy around. I don't always have the best words to say. I'm not the roughest guy, not the most aggressive, by no means. But y'know what....I'm not even close to being the worse.

But y'know what....I would love you like no other. I would lift you up on high. I would treat you like a queen.....more so then I already do. I wanna make every female, from single to married, jealous of you because they could only DREAM of having a man that treats them the way I want to treat you. All I want to do.....is make you smile. I want to keep a smile on your face....and not like The Joker lol. I mean true happiness, the one woman want but never find.

All I want is a chance....an opportunity.......a yes.